Lakeshore Family Therapy 

"If we know how to be with our children and who to be for them, we need much less advice on what to do.” ~ Dr. Gordon Neufeld

 

If you’re anything like me, you've read miles of parenting articles, all of the recommended books and podcasts, and you follow multiple social media parenting or momfluencer accounts. Still, you find yourself doubting your gut when it comes to parenting. We are surrounded by parenting scripts, points of view from social media, and pressure surrounding us every day, at every turn. Which voices should we listen to, and whose should we put on mute?

 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a leading developmental psychologist who believes in prioritizing the parents’ relationship with their child above all else, believes that, "How we see our child determines what we do next." I would add that how we see ourselves as parents determines what we do next. So let’s get into the challenges of modern day parenting expectations.

The Surgeon General released a statement that parents are under more stress than ever in today’s world. He alerts us to the fact that parents’ high expectation and the resulting stress is an urgent public health issue, stating, "Chasing these unreasonable expectations has left many families feeling exhausted, burned out, and perpetually behind." (US Surgeon General, Parents under Pressure, Advisory on the mental health and wellness being of parents, 2024.)

 

We are simply doing too much in a world that keeps asking us for more. More status. More opportunity. More dedication to our kid's wants and needs. We believe our kids need us at every turn and have been made to believe that we are not ever doing enough. That, then, determines our next move...listening more to the expectations and demands of today’s culture without pausing to reflect: What is uniquely best for me and my child and how can I support this without burning out?

 

So, instead of adding more to your plate, let’s focus on how we can do less for our kids while taking an intentional pause. A pause to observe your self and to reflect on your motivations, your self talk and what drives how you respond to your child. How we see our child - and ourselves - will drive what we do next. Today’s parents are in frantic pursuit of positive perception. Do we feel like we are getting traction or making progress? Or do we still feel as though something is missing? We have to slow down to find out.

We play many roles as parents.

 

Let's examine the role that I find to be the most problematic for today's parents and their mental health. The role of entertainer. As a play therapist I know the power of connection and presence in the healthy development and secure attachment of a child. I also know that even well intentioned parents find themselves exhausted by the expectations of today’s culture to be present and fully engaged at all times, leading to more stress and less satisfaction in their parenting. Parents are distracted more than ever by technology and many of us are trying twice as hard to counter the distraction by scrolling the expert’s advice on how to maintain connection with our children in the digital age.

 

Parents are either left feeling ineffective and disconnected from their child or at their best feeling intrusive in the life of their child. Often, at the expense of their own boundaries for personal time and space. Perhaps we love being present for our kids in all the ways we wish someone could have been for us. The challenge of modern day parenting is knowing our own limits, managing expectations, and finding balance between what our child needs and what we ourselves need. If we are honest with ourselves, the role of entertainer allows us to rescue our children from boredom, discomfort and messy displays of emotion. We don't have to acknowledge our needs if we overextend ourselves for the sake of our children. The result? Burnt out parents, and children stunted in their developmental progress.

 

The good news (that your kids won’t like): boredom, frustration and tears are healthy! And can even be restorative! When we crowd out these very experiences that are at the heart of being human, we rob our kids of facing difficult emotions and teach them that sitting with our thoughts and feelings should be avoided at all costs. We distract, we problem solve, we deflect. All well intentioned ways of avoiding being in and with our feelings.

 

What can we do?

Here are some tips to help us support the emotional regulation process instead of hijacking it and bypassing the discomfort.

 

1. Allow Boredom. "I'm bored" is a reflection of our child's nervous system state when they finally pause and allow the glitter of their minds to settle. This is their time to decompress without distraction. Something we all need.

 

2. Learn to observe discomfort, disappointment, and frustration without trying to fix it. When our kids struggle, they come out the other side more confident and capable. Start small. For example, if.your child struggles to play by themselves, encourage small moments for self directed play (this is lacking in today’s parenting world and yet key for development). Let them know you will be close by but that you trust they will find something to do on their own for 10 minutes).

 

3. Tell yourself its ok to see your child cry. Tears are good! This is how we release emotional energy. When children get stuck in a defensive or protective state because of overwhelmed nervous systems, the first thing to go is often tears. Tears are vulnerability at its best. If you are seeing tears of futility (as Dr. Neufeld calls them) you have cultivated an environment where you child knows it's ok to let down their guard.

 

4. Notice your own inner dialogue in these difficult moments as you watch your child cry, experience discomfort, and process boredom. Notice whats happening in your body. Where do you feel your reaction to their emotion? Then ground yourself and breathe through one moment at a time. Choose a mantra to replace any negative self talk that might arise.

Consider struggle, pain and tears in the context of a a safe and attuned relationship to be your milestone markers for progress. You are on your way to building emotional balance, resiliency and confident kids. And the great news is that you don't need to sacrifice your sanity along the way.